Jul 18, 2011

those words that we never would say.

     Are you done? Adrian called from the elevator. Yes, coming coming. It took me three tries before the door would lock properly. I ran into the elevator and saw my man grinning; I looked shyly away and smiled to myself. Baby, there's something I must tell you. What's that? he said. I never got the chance that time, but you must know... The elevator came to a halt and two plump middle-aged ladies walked in, followed by a skinny one who decided it best to stand directly where the doors were, so that they wouldn't close. A man soon joined us too; the warning siren then came on, signalling that we were altogether too heavy for the elevator to function. Yet nobody wanted to step out, and as I grew more impatient by the present interruption, I squeezed my way out onto the landing and called for Adrian to follow. He at first refused, but the man started tugging him out. What are you doing! I shouted, and saw Adrian go into his epileptic fits. Stop! Stop! But the man went on dragging him by the hands out of the elevator. At the last tug, he threw Adrian across the landing; and Adrian, poor Adrian who couldn't fight back, lost his balance and fell backward. Adrian! Adrian! He tried to pick himself up but only staggered further toward the stairs. Adrian! No! He rolled down the stairs—bump, bump, bump—as I called out to him in horror. No! No! His body came to a stop at the bottom of the stairs, and I slumped down beside and carried it into my lap. Adrian! Wake up! I shook the heavy frame, trying in desperation to rouse him. Adrian, please! Adrian! Adrian! Adrian!...

     In the darkness of the room I repeated the dream over in my head, but nothing can be changed: again I couldn't say those words in time, and again I couldn't save him in time. Once I failed to have the courage to love; now I am still powerless, ordinary. What does it mean to be human? You're a spiritual being having a human experience. Yes, it's been a while since I've felt anything. Nothing truly dies. I know, I know. Everything is transformed. Adrian! I cried. Only love is real. As a tear rolled down the side of my face, something unlocked inside and I felt a wave of warmth and ache encase me. I smiled even as I wept—it wasn't you that I needed to save, it was I and you saved me.


  1. beautiful post Tristan. I just ordered Kerouac's On the Road on amazon. Looking forward to the read!

  2. Great to know, Sy! I hope you'll like it as I did. :)